Guilt

This morning, I was thinking about cards I need to send. It made me think about one particular person back home whom I need to send a card in the next few days. And every time I think of this person, the feeling of guilt sits on my shoulders just around the edges. That guilt comes from many years of conscious but mostly unconscious wrongs done to her. I was a selfish person growing up, as we mostly all are. Throughout the years this person regularly brings up these deeds to me and to others. She does it with laughter and a little wink. But I always feel that there is some hidden unresolved pain, some resentment toward me for these things I did.

I apologized for each and every one at the time and I've apologized many times over throughout the years but still she brings these incidents up. You know how it is, when someone says something to you under the guise of comedy, but you tell yourself now they are really serious deep inside it really bothers them. This is what I told myself about this situation for years. Each time the occurrences are brought up, to me or to others, I feel an immense guilt wash over me and sadness that she has still not forgiven me. Since then, I have done many wonderful things out of love and concern for her. But still these things are not enough for her to wash away my terrible deeds, None of which, mind you, are truly terrible, just ignorant or selfish or unthinking.  Inconveniences and blind mistakes made by youth.

But this morning it occurred to me to ask the question that Buddhism has taught me to ask whenever we feel the pinch of pain of guilt of anger of sorrow of regret… I asked myself, ”Are you sure?” In other words:  Am I sure that the reason she brings these things up repetitively is because she is still angry and resentful? Perhaps there is another reason. I thought it through and quickly came up with a possible reason. She may be saying these things truly and sincerely out of a desire to make light of something we have in common. There may be no maliciousness connected to it whatsoever. She may have forgiven me completely and is simply making a joke about something we both experienced, something that truly is funny to her now that we look back on the event. I even laugh with her often when she brings these things up, but still that part of me, deep within me, feels that old guilt stabbing my heart.

So what if this means nothing to her, more than mirthful reminiscing? If that is true, then my guilt is brought on by myself. In other words, I have the ability to completely resolve this. I can do it all on my own, now. It may be that her resentment is resolved and yet my guilt is not resolved. It is an interesting concept. And something I will truly try and let go of. And the next time she brings it up, I will laugh with sincerity and hopefully never feel the pang of guilt again. We have come so far in our relationship and any lingering hurt or guilt I may be feeling is misplaced and unproductive for either of us. It is something that stands between us which only I can remove. 

It made me think about guilt in general.  From Buddhism, I have learned that guilt is an important aspect of life. It keeps us moral and responsible. It makes us better people. Too often, we fear guilt so much that we run from it, we bury our heads and hide from it, do anything we can including lash out at others to avoid feeling that stab. But guilt is important to feel in the moment. That is the important and significant difference. When Sri Sri Ravi Shankar says “feel the pinch,” he means feel guilt in the moment.  Let yourself know that you have done something wrong and do not run from it. It will help you do better next time but then, once you have seen it for the lesson that it is and done whatever you can to apologize or improve your behavior in the future, you must let it go. Dwelling on it, or letting it repeatedly hurt you is completely unproductive and actually harmful for you and others.

One of the worst sources of guilt for me, and one that is the most difficult to resolve, is the inability to help someone I love. There have been times, especially of late, that I cannot physically help anyone else. I see people whom I love working on large difficult projects and I can do nothing to help. Also geographically, I am far from the ones I love and cannot help them for this reason as well. I do everything I can from a distance and with the debilitated limitations I have. But it never feels like it is enough.

It took me many many months, but eventually, I was able to forgive myself. I realized that there was nothing I could do about the situation. And I learned that I had to let it go or it would eat me alive. But I am sad. I see so many others around me unable to let go of their guilt. But I am empowered by the thought that I can help them. I still have my mind, my heart, my skills at writing and speaking and I can help the ones I love when they feel guilt.  That unresolved type of guilt has no purpose. I have felt guilt.   We all have felt guilt and sometimes people have difficulty getting past it, digging out of the clinging nasty muck of unresolved guilt. 

I hope that anyone reading this today will be able to stop when they're done and look at themselves and think about what is pinching them. Ask yourselves how long has this been pinching me? Isn't it time to let it go?  To be free of it at last? And then ask yourself, Am I sure? It may lead you to discover the true nature of your guilt or any type of hurt so you can be free of it forever. 

When you ask yourself am I sure? This calls upon you to truly think honestly and clearly about all possible explanations. How often have we looked at someone and thought to ourselves “I know what she or he is thinking. I know it. I can just tell.”  But how can we really tell what someone else is thinking? We cannot. The simple truth, the only reality, is that we never know what drives someone else's behavior. We can never know what is in their minds or hearts. If we ask ourselves are we sure? It can remind us that this is true. And we can either let it go, which is the most wise choice, or we can at least be honest and provide every other explanation. Even the most incredible, crazy explanations could be true. If we give everyone else the benefit of the doubt, assume that their words are true, and then proceed with love, sincerity and concern for ourselves and them, the world will be truly beautiful and joyous.