I've been confident most of life, at least since I emerged from my cocoon of adolescent "dork-hood." But humility? I'm not sure. Certainly I've been humble at times, but the ever-present trait was confidence, sometimes bordering on arrogance. As I grew up and entered my chosen career, I think I bowed down to the pressures of competition in the workplace, and I became more rigid and stressed, always showing my best side, straining to prove myself so I got the job, the promotion, the pay raise, etc.
Since I left the "rat race" and began to work from home (although currently on a hiatus from work due to a back and hip injury), there is much less pressure. There are fewer reasons to try and impress and fewer people in my day-to-day life that I perceive are in need of impressing. But it's still challenging to let the impressions of others develop organically. Even now in my much simpler lifestyle, I find myself trying to show off my good side, although in the most subtle ways. And being more mindful these days, I see this and laugh at myself. I ask myself, "Why am I doing (this or) that?"
Humility is a character trait that I would like to foster within myself. It's a character trait which I admire most in others, far more than any other. One of the reasons I married my husband is because he is humble. He had a refreshing light around his heart that attracted me. That light was humility in its purest form. And though he is confident, he is willing to wait for people to discover his value, rather than foist it upon them. It's really a beautiful thing.
I look around me and see so many frustrated, stressed out people trying to prove themselves in any given moment with any given person. Trying to be more than what they are, trying to prove themselves, be better, seem better. Trying to prove themselves to their parents, their children, their siblings, their nieces and nephews, their aunts and uncles, their friends, their coworkers, their employers, their neighbors… why is it so important to us to be thought of as competent? Smart? Interesting? Talented? Funny? Brave? Capable? Generous? Friendly? Practical? And the list goes on and on.
We may be smart in one moment and completely stupid in the next. We may possess talents toward one endeavor and lack them completely in another. We may be interesting or funny in one instance and completely boring in the next. Or interesting or funny to one person and make another person fall asleep from disinterest. And that is okay. We are not perfect. We are flawed because we are alive.
It seems to me that we are all so exhausted from trying so hard to be someone that we are not. Why can't we all let our guards down, feel like we are finally enough? Let people see us for who we are, flaws and idiosyncrasies and all? I think the world would be more joyous if this were the way we lived.
From this day forward, I am dropping my pretend mantle of perfection. And the next time someone asks me a question that I don't know the answer to, I will without hesitation say, "I have no clue!" I may even laugh at my own ignorance. I may let someone come into my dirty house and not apologize for the mess. I may listen without interruption to the friend who rambles on and on, simply because she needs to be heard. I may even let someone arrogant and controlling have the final word, knowing they need that triumph more than me. I may smile and nod at the next person who cuts in front of me at the grocery store. I may apologize and assume I miscommunicated the next time someone misunderstands me, rather than get angry that they weren't listening or don't care or all the other silly conclusions we immediately jump to when people don't "get us." I may keep my mouth shut the next time someone compliments my husband on something I did myself. I may remain peacefully silent the next time someone writes Carrie Gunn on an envelope (thinking I changed my name when we married). In retrospect, it's all so self-important, isn't it? In the grand scheme of things, does any of this really matter? Will these more positive, humble reactions to things change the course of my life or affect my livelihood? NO! In fact, they may add years of bliss to my life.
I am going to make an effort to be a model of humility for others to follow. But even if no one notices, that is okay. Because their praise or acknowledgment is not why I choose to live this way from this day forward. My reason for practicing more humility is this: FREEDOM. I am flawed, world! See me for who I am. I have nothing to prove to you, nothing to prove to anyone or even to myself. I am enough. I am exactly as I should be. And letting go of all my fears, and all my desires to control and grasp and make a good impression on others will give me an absolute freedom and with that, absolute JOY.
Joy!!
