Ups and Downs

What a rollercoaster the past few months has been.  I've gone from the lowest lows to the highest highs.  No, I don't have manic-depression or bipolar disorder.  But in a two month period, I was proposed to by David, my pseudo husband of over 13 years, then learned my darling little kitty, Camielle, had Cancer, put my wedding plans/work on hold to nurse her for weeks, and then she got worse.  We had to euthanize her and I broke down into a complete depression for two weeks.  After I could get through a day without crying, I dove back into wedding plans which kept me busy.  I started to smile again.  We happily drove to Ohio for our wedding which was the most wonderful wedding anyone could ask for, surrounded by beloved family and friends.

David and I were married in our proud Scottish tradition including hand-fasting and ring exchange.  I married my best friend in the whole world.  We had a brief but beautiful honeymoon on the Michigan Dunes

  

Now back home, the unpacking done, etc., David is back to work, and I am at home trying to find more transcription work, trying to write, but I find myself back down to another low point.   Feeling so down makes it hard to write or focus on anything creative.  It's hard to step outside myself despite the fact that I'm fully aware the rest of the world has problems too.

But I see Cami in every corner.  I hear her voice.  I'm haunted and also touched by the constant stream of images in my head -and the memories of her smell, her soft fur on my face, the warmth of her head as I kissed her, her breathtakingly beautiful amber-green eyes looking up lovingly into my face, the precious feather soft touch of her paws as she reached up to touch my cheek, the curl in my lap as she slept, all of it, all of it.... how I miss my darling baby girl, the only baby girl I've ever had.

Today when the depression and sorrow began to descend again I tried to cast it aside saying how lucky I am, how much I am loved by my David, my two other cats, my family, wonderful friends.... but nothing kept the daunting darkness from my head.  So I threw my head phones on, clicked on my mp3 player and launched into hardcore exercise.  That worked until about mid-way when some lyrics in a pretty upbeat song resounded with me, reminded me of her again.  I broke down into tears.  I'll never stop loving her, and hope that I can one day think of her without pain.  I don't want to block out the memories simply to spare myself pain. I want to preserve every moment so she'll live on in both our hearts.  Oh how I loved our Camielle.  And David loved her just as deeply. It was the first time in years that I've seen him shed a tear about anything.  I remember how he used to kiss the top of her head or quickly (before I could stop him) suck the tufted tip of one of her adorable ears.  Once I saw I heartily protested that he was "sliming" my baby.  She never seemed to mind, loved both of us so.

So this is my little bit of whining for the day.  Another day it will be more positive.  I know there are others out there who perhaps have children or just fuzzy children as we do, who will understand the sense of loss we're feeling.  It's a terrible ache I feel.  But as Sri Sri Ravi Shankar says -- feel the pinch.  When your heart aches either from sorrow or guilt or shame, don't ignore it.  Feel it. It's part of life.  It carries lessons and wisdom and is real life.  But it's hard.

I love you, Cami!!!  I miss you so much!