Approval Addiction. Why do we need approval? Is it good for us?
By the way, I am going to attempt to dismantle my own spiraling, out of control addiction to approval by inserting really silly photos of myself at various points throughout this blog entry, all for the world to see and judge and laugh at.
I hereby rescind my desire to earn your approval. There. See how I walk the walk?
Approval is the
drug of choice for most people. How is
it different from real drugs? We have no
clue we are addicted, mainly because we have no clue we abuse it. And this is bizarre to me because most of us
need approval so desperately, and almost everything we do and how we do it is
modeled as an endeavor to garner approval from someone. Far above all our goals, approval is the
priority. It’s at the top of the
list. If we are honest about it,
approval far exceeds love, peace-of-mind, even health. I think this is proven every time I look
around at what people are doing or observe my own actions.
We will sacrifice
our own health to get approval. Why do
you think young people start smoking?
Most of us do not think of cigarettes, at least the legal ones, as a
pleasure drug (though once we’ve become addicted, feeling good becomes
contingent upon having that cigarette).
No, despite its health hazards, people still smoke to look cool or be
accepted among peers. It’s a social
activity. And it, too, is about
approval.
There are many
examples of how we seek approval and how much we prioritize it above our other
needs, but I think we can all agree that this is somewhat true. Rather than spend this time elaborating on
that, something most of us, if honest, would agree with, let’s look at the
reasons we are so addicted to it, and whether approval addiction is good for us?
Let’s dance
around the second question first. Is
approval addiction good for us? My
initial instinct is that it is NOT good for us.
After all, it makes us behave in radical, false and often negative
ways. We make a hell of a lot of
mistakes in seeking it. So on the
surface, it would seem to be a bad thing.
At least our passionate seeking of it, and maybe it’s like many things,
only good in moderation. We can’t expect
the whole world to validate us, but maybe from the ones in our immediate
circle, family and friends, it’s not so much to ask. And wanting approval is one thing. Outright manipulation of others to get it,
begging for it, harassing for it, lying for it, cheating for it, well, these
are all obviously negative behaviors that cross the line. However, it would seem that not needing
anyone’s approval but our own, might make life a lot easier. That’s my initial thought. What is wrong with being so confident and at
peace with oneself that approval from others is simply not important? Someone can be confident without being
arrogant, can’t they? After further
study and thought, perhaps I’ll change my mind.
But let’s revisit this question later, after we’ve delved into the first
question.
Let’s explore the
reasons we need approval so badly. Maybe
a scenario would be a good way to figure this out. I recently lost my father and did not go to
his funeral. It was a personal decision
that I thought long and hard about. I
wanted to be there for my family, yet funerals are directly opposed to my
beliefs. They downright creep me
out. Instead of going to the funeral, I
went for a walk in the woods and bought an ice cream cone. My Dad loved nature and ice cream.
I felt at peace with my decision and once the
day arrived and passed, I realized it was the right decision. I knew that had I gone, I would not have been
in any condition to “be there” for my family.
Quite the opposite would have happened.
I would have been sick about the whole ritual, making everyone
uncomfortable, wishing it was over from the get-go. In fact, I knew in my heart, had I taken the
flight home for the funeral, I would not have made it into the cemetery. My mother’s bones are there. Not her spirit. That is in me, in the trees, in the sun. I
feel the same way about my father and his ashes that were buried in the plot
next to hers. So going would have put an
additional burden on my family and me.
Okay, I’ve elaborated on this to demonstrate how confirmed I was in my
decision and how proud I was of myself for having the courage to go against the
grain. I spent the afternoon in peace
and remembering him with love, in silent prayer amid trees and green where I
felt closest to him. It is where I
needed to be.
Now the big
question… when I tell people that I did not go to my own father’s funeral, what
will they say, how will they react? Will
they react in a positive, negative or neutral way? And how will I react in turn? My guess is the same as yours…. If they react
negatively, I will be hurt and immediately begin to question my decision. That’s crazy, right? One moment prior to their reaction, I felt
good about it, knew it was right, had no qualms or regrets about my
decision. Yet one word of disapproval
from someone, whether that person is close to me or not, would have me
second-guessing myself. It’s quite
silly, really.
What if the
person reacts positively? Of course,
I’ll feel a warm and fuzzy feeling rush over me. Funny, how I will not question that response.
I’m quite ready to accept a positive reaction, one that agrees with my
actions. It will tell me I am not alone
in my thinking or that I am accepted as I am.
A positive response is what I would want, whether it is, “Good for
you. You did what you needed to do,” or
“Funerals creep me out too. I see no
need for them,” or “I’m sure your Dad would understand. He would want you to do what you believe in
and to be happy.”
If that person
reacts neutrally, well, that one is more complex. I will likely still be a little letdown that
I did not get unequivocal approval. And
at the very least, I will go on wondering how they truly feel. Most people are not ambivalent about the big
issues in life, the life and death questions.
Would that person have done the same thing? A neutral response would not give me the satisfaction
of knowing how I stack up. Isn’t life
just a series of measurement-taking, of seeing how we stack up against
others? How are we doing? How do we compare?
So why do we need
approval so badly? I guess because we
don’t want to feel alone. If we think we
are different from everyone else, it could be a lonely existence with no one to
identify with. It’s not like we all want
to be the same as everyone else. But we
don’t want to be different from everyone else either. There’s a happy balance. Personally, I don’t feel uncomfortable being
a little different from other people.
But when I find myself getting to feel or act differently than most of
the people around me, I begin to feel alone, as if I’m alienating myself from
the rest of the world. I think the big
life decisions or big picture beliefs aren’t too hard to agree on.
Most of us want the same things and believe
in the same things, overall. We all want our basic needs met. We all want love
and freedom and respect. We all want to
live as good people, being honest and fair and helping each other. The differences between us are only shades of
gray even with these big ideals. So I
don’t think it’s too hard to act within character, to do what is in your being
to do and not be apologetic about it if someone else disagrees. Yes, most of us do crave absolute validation and approval
in everything we are and do. But I think this is flawed thinking that can be transcended. I do know it’s easier to let go of the desire for
approval when it’s a big deal to you, something like deciding if you go to your
Dad’s funeral. I.e. in my case, when it comes right down
to it, it was my decision, and though it might bother me a little if someone
disagrees, it wouldn’t change how I act in the future. I would still have to deal with it myself and
do what works for me, just as everyone else has to. When I do
something that isn’t right for me, just to please someone else, just to fit
into the mold, I don’t feel good about myself.
I don’t feel like myself. I let
that guide me into making the best decisions.
I think, overall,
we seek approval when we don’t approve of ourselves first. If we are able to truly love ourselves and
trust ourselves, then we can accept and approve of every action we take because
we know we are good people and we know we will always do what is right in the
given moment. When the world doesn’t
agree or approve of something we do, our own self-love will not falter or
fray. It is possible, I do believe, to
love yourself enough to withstand any resistance or criticism, to be your own
best friend.
I’m sure there
are many other reasons why some seek approval so passionately, so
unabashedly. I imagine that for abuse
victims, the approval of others, even in later relationships where the abuse
was no longer present, would be paramount to happiness. Again, that would mainly be due to their lack
of self-love and self-respect. Any
damage to the psyche would result in the need for more validation from
others. I’m sure there are many other
situations where this need would be heightened due to some emotional damage.
In general, don’t
we all seek fulfillment outside of ourselves?
If we are not happy, we find something that will make us happy, as if
another person or object or activity will instantly bring us happiness. We need to learn how to be self-fulfilling
individuals. Once we’ve learned to love
and accept ourselves completely, we will no longer look to outside sources to
fulfill us. Or at least pursue it less
aggressively and staking so much to get it.
So is it good for
us to be addicted to the approval of others? In my opinion, no. I think we should re-direct the object of our affection inward. Why not become
addicted to self-approval? To thine own
self be true. More self-love would, in
my opinion, be a very good thing for the world.
Because that’s where it all starts.
If you love yourself first, you can be intact and able to love those
around you. Approve of yourself and you
can easily accept the world around you and all its opinions, good or bad,
similar or contradictory. It is freedom
to love and be loved.
Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, a great guru, once said that becoming enlightened requires a transitioning from being somebody (self-love) to nobody
(ordinary, neutral) to everybody (all-encompassing connection and the world
around us). If you don’t accept and love
and approve of yourself first, how can you ever accept and love and approve of
the world around you?
